


Crack Fic with fuckitfrank

by professorfreeky



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Other, why is everyone yelling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 08:22:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19390243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professorfreeky/pseuds/professorfreeky
Summary: The bulk of the progress was written by fuckitfrank. Reformatted and flourish added by me.The setting: GoT but if the baratheons n those other ppl didn't do the thing they did. Also Ned told Catelyn who Jon is and she kept it secret, and so she raised Jon with fierce love and pride. Theon by extension wasn't frozen out so hard and is a better human. Source material fic currently being written by fuckitfrankWho am I: moral support and editor for fuckitfrank. I have no idea what GoT canon is but they got me invested in Theonsa. Ideas man. Writing on mobile.~~~~π~~~~“I’m taking you to see Sansa.” Jon tells him, and Theon suddenly understands. They’re creating distractions so he can say goodbye before he leaves, a proper goodbye





	1. they forgot to explain the plan to Robb

The bells were pealing a hysterical alarm. Robb dashed through the trees, worried - even frightened - that someone had attacked Castle Stark or whatever it's called while he was in the forest with Wylla and Wynafryd.

His father was in the courtyard, already mounted. His horse had caught scent of the panic and was rearing and plunging against Ned's firm hold on the reins. "ROBB!! THERE'S A FIRE WE HAVE TO GO," Ned yells.

Robb paused, confused. He had only seen one fire in the forest that evening. "Wylla set it."

"Come quick we- what?"

Robb, becoming perturbed by his father's panic turning to consternation, yelled loudly over the servants dashing around doing servants-in-a-crisis things. "WYLLA AND WYNAFRYD SET IT. I HELPED."

Everyone in the courtyard froze.

"... Why?"

Robb froze, suddenly realizing his error.  
Tomorrow, Theon was to leave. Tonight, some plan to distract his father and lady Catelyn so he and his sister could have a last farewell was to be enacted. He could feel his face turn white at the thought of essentially betraying his sister and his dearest friend, who should have been the one to whom his sister's hand was promised.

The long moment's pause had given Ned a chance to calm his horse. He dismounted and moved closer to his oldest son, deeply concerned. "Robb... is everything quite alright?"

 _I have one chance to correct my mistake,_ Robb realized. _Better make it count._


	2. arya's what

Robb wracked his brains, trying to think of something. Did they discuss it while he had been playing with Grey Wind? It was worth a try...

"Uh, everything is fine. I lied. Wylla didn't set the fire. Arya is madly in love with Smalljon, did you know??? They should get married in the spring!"

"Smalljon is older than you, Robb."

Robb panicked, because that was a true fact, and Arya wanted no man. "SMALLJON'S A NICE MAN FATHER. HE LIKES SWORDS TOO. THEY'LL GET ALONG FAMOUSLY!" _Perfect,_ Robb thought to himself. _Father will forget all about the fire now!_

~~~~π~~~~

"I think Robb is having fits-"

Ned, with Robb in tow, stood in the doorway of the study. Arya was standing on a table and yelling, "SMALLJON IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE."

"GET DOWN," Catelyn shouted. She had her palms pressed against her temples, and there was a wine glass rolling away from her favorite chair.

Ned was more confused than ever. "ARE THEY ALL HAVING FITS?"

Robb joined Arya on the table as he sighed internally. He hadn't been fully sure that Arya being in love with Smalljon had been part of the plan, or a particularly bizarre dream of his. They chanted Smalljon's name, to the bewilderment of their parents.


	3. the Umbers have come to winterfell for the festivals and sansa's wedding

"I'm going to get them." Ned stalks out of the room.

Robb and Arya, still yelling on the table, didn't notice their father leave. Catelyn returned to her chair, just managing to not plop into it, and poured herself another glass of wine. Ned returned after a few minutes with Greatjon and Smalljon. The three men observed the scene quietly for a few minutes.

"I LOVE SMALLJON," Arya howled.

"I LOVE SMALLJON," Robb sang back. His powers of perception finally registered their two guests. "Oh, hi Smalljon," he said sheepishly. Arya stopped her chanting, but didn't seem to be embarrassed.

Smalljon was flabbergasted, and said nothing. Greatjon, thoroughly unfazed by the situation, asked, "She loves him?"

"Arya doesn't love anyone," Ned said. "I was hoping you two could explain."

"Are they having fits?"


	4. the fire that's a real thing and still happening and smalljon has a smallgay crisis

Suddenly, Jon entered the room, nearly staggering into Greatjon. "COME QUICK, EVERYONE, THERE'S A-" he glanced at the inside of his wrist, glad to have had the foresight to sketch a small flame on it against forgetting his purpose "- A VERY LARGE FIRE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wynafryd and Wylla stood in the cold, some distance from the fire which was not spreading very quickly. The two women had taken great care in choosing their site, a small copse of trees surrounded by snow, where the chances of the fire raging out of control were quite small. Smoke billowed upward as the damp wood was consumed.

After a while, Wynafryd asked aloud, "Should we put it out?"

"Give them a little more time to get out here. I'm sure they're on their way." 

There was a long pause.

"That's a lot of confidence in your husband, Wylla."

Wylla sighed. "You're right. He's probably somehow ended up saying he's in love with Smalljon." They could both hear riders approaching fast. "Let's put it out."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Smalljon's mind was in turmoil. _Is Robb in love with me??_ he thought. _Do I reject the son of my lord??_ As Robb and Sansa both began chanting "I LOVE SMALLJON" again, Smalljon began panicking. _Do I have to marry one of them? Will the other one hate me? Greatjon was right, I should've married that Wilding girl, then I'd be spoken for. Oh no._ What made it all so much more distressing, he realized, was how very attractive both of the Starks were. In realizing how hot they were, Smalljon very quietly began to have hysterics. "ROBB IS MARRIED TO WYLLA MANDERLY. HE CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH ME. Wait are both he and Wylla in love with me? _Am I in love with Robb?_ " Smalljon sat down on the floor and stared ahead blankly while his father and Ned argued about what was going on with their children.

Greatjon said, "Lord Stark, if your daughter is so adamant about this it would be a good alliance between our houses."

Ned was trying to keep his composure. "She's really not, I promise." _I promise, too, that if I ever find out what is happening here, I'll have all their hides made into drums_ , he thought.

Greatjon continued, "And as for your boy, you have my honour his... inner thoughts will not leak."

Ned lost his temper, out of patience with all the yelling and confusion. "NEITHER OF THEM ARE IN LOVE WITH SMALLJON!" he snapped.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?" Greatjon bellowed.

Ned shouted back, "WELL NOTHING, HE'S QUITE HANDSOME AND A GOOD FIGHTER,"

"THEN WHY CAN'T OUR HOUSES HAVE A MARRIAGE?" Greatjon was very indignant.

Catelyn had by then downed her fourth glass of wine since Ned had dragged Robb into the room. "Jon," she murmured. Jon snapped his attention to her. He could almost hear his foster father shriek the word "FUCK" from his expression alone. "Jon," Catelyn said again, "will you fetch me my ale? The good ale, Jon. You know the one." Jon nodded, and scurried out of the room, narrowly avoiding Wylla and bumping into Wynafryd in his hurry.

"We put out the fire," Wylla said, and then the scene hit her. "Oh gods, they're on the table."

Robb was still shouting. "I LOVE SMALLJON, I LOVE SMALLJON, I LOVE SMALLJON- wait. WAIT. We can't both be in love with Smalljon, that's not the plan."

Arya yelled, "WHAT PLAN?!" as she clocked Robb in the face.

Robb thought his nose might be broken, but the shock gave him enough time to recover his wits. "MY PLAN TO HAVE A TRYST WITH SMALLJON," he retorted as he ripped his sword out of its sheath.

"WHAT?" cried Ned, Catelyn, and the two remaining Jons.

Arya hopped off the table and took Smalljon's sword. "COME NOW, BROTHER, SHOW ME YOUR TRUE FORM!"

Feeling that the theatrics were nearing their end but determined to give a good show, he screamed, "YOU SHAN'T STEAL SMALLJON FROM ME!" and rushed Arya.

As everyone else moved to separate the siblings, Smalljon shakily asked of Wylla, "Are you..." he gestured weakly, "okay with this?"

Wylla looked at him, then at Robb, who now had a profusely bleeding face, and Arya, who was shrilly declaring to her father that Robb shouldn't get to have first pick of everything and everyone, even if he was the eldest. "This is fine."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> apologies for the delay. depression stole my joy in writing. I present to you the final chapter of whatever the hell this is.


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